Now or Never
by The Daxinator
Summary: Obsidian Trilogy. When Kellen is grievously hurt, Cilarnen comes to a startling and at the same time, wonderful realization. Slash.
1. Chapter 1

Obsidian Trilogy

Cilarnen/Kellen

Warnings- slash, small spoilers, some OOC

Comments- I REALLY enjoyed writing this and you might be able to tell just from reading it. In the end, I think this may be one of my favorites. I tried to experiment with some stuff that I've never done before. For instance, first person P.O.V. As well as emotion. I've never really done anything that emotion—not storyline alone—had a big part. And I have to say that I'm pretty damn satisfied.

The scent of blood is overwhelming. Coppery stickiness clings to the surface of every rock, every blade of grass, it's hard to tell that this place was once a peaceful valley where farmers went about their everyday lives for hundreds of years. It's simply incredible how swiftly that peace can be utterly destroyed. Within a matter of an hour, three hundred men and elves are dead and countless hundreds are injured. Incredible, and yet, so horrible that words can't convey the feeling that sweeps over any who witness it.

I glance about the field anxiously only to be disappointed, a thrill of panic now gnawing at my heart. Where is Kellen? Surely he wasn't...

"Cilarnen!"

Relief washes over me like a wave of cold water as I hear that voice, weak though it is, and I whip around to see him with my own eyes. The sight that greets me takes me aback with so sudden a chill of horror that I jerk backwards with a choked gasp. The tiny bit of soft bread that I was able to eat before the battle and the ceremony to bring down the city wards suddenly comes up in my throat as a sour taste.

"Kellen! By the light, what happened to you?!" I ask fervently as I swallow hard and rush to his side.

One of his eyes is closed, I assume (hope) to keep it clear from the blood running from somewhere in his hair over his face, and he's obviously favoring his left leg. His beautiful sword is being used as a walking stick, and I can see the beginnings of shock brought on by severe blood loss in his single glassy eye. But what really catches my attention, what made me draw back in fear when I first caught sight of him, is the deep, gory wound in his side where his elvish armor appears to have—dear Blessed Light!

I am forced to clap a hand over my mouth to keep my meager meal from escaping once again. I reach a shaky hand out to touch his side gently but he still hisses and falls back to avoid my fingertips. I can't say that I blame him.

The only thing that seems to be keeping him alive after that grievous wound is the fact that the metal has been melted into his skin, forming a sort of grotesque bandage.

He gives me a single heart-wrenching look of pure agony before he blacks out and I'm hard pressed to catch his falling body. The dead weight of his so much larger body nearly buckles my knees and plunges us both to the ground but somehow I hold up until someone runs to help me with him.

It is one of the elves, I think his name is Tamaheriae, but really I can't tell most of the elves apart except by their ornate armor and the horses they ride. He ducks low and pulls Kellen's arm over his neck, assuming most of the weight while I tuck myself under Kellen's other arm—the side upon which is his wound has begun to trickle blood a bit faster. Blessed Light, how much has he lost? I pray, no, I beg the Light that it's not too late to save him. What would I do without him? I don't know if I could live with myself if he were to die now that he's about to get help.

It would just be too cruel.

"He has lost much blood. A skilled healer in magic would be very useful," Tamaheriae says, his voice suggesting that he's not simply saying his thoughts aloud, but I'm too scared for Kellen to even grasp an inkling of what he's trying to ask me.

He looks at me pointedly and tries again. "Wildmagic lends it's power in the ways of healing. I would think that other goodly magics would do much the same."

He stresses the words 'other goodly magics' in such a way that it finally breaks through to me and I feel as if I could die from the feeling of utter uselessness.

"No," I say painfully, "High Magic doesn't work like that. You have to train for decades to become a healer." My voice cracks slightly near the end when Kellen moans softly and his head falls bonelessly onto my shoulder. Tamaheriae barely hides his disappointment and my heart gives another lurch but then Tamaheriae gives a tired smile to something ahead of us.

Looking up I can see the healers' tent, a blue-robed healer rushing out to us. By the time she reaches us, she's already firing off questions about his condition. A grimace takes her face at the sight of the melted armor but she stays steely and gently pushes me out from under Kellen so she can take my place. I want to protest but she gives me a harsh look and the simple, but effective, reprimand of, "Don't let your concern harm him further," and my protests die instantly.

They disappear into the tent just as my legs finally betray me and I'm suddenly on the muddy ground trying to hold back tears. No one bothers me as I sob breathlessly, and before long, I cry myself to sleep, my heart aching so much that I can barely draw in breath.


	2. Chapter 2

I awake in a soft bed with a cool cloth on my brow. Groggily I sit up and after only a moment of taking in the color of the tent hangings, I know I'm in Kellen's own tent. But how did I get here? Last I remember I was...

A hot flush comes to my checks at the memory of my breaking down outside the healer tent and falling asleep in the mud. My father would be ashamed if he knew. _I _am ashamed. How many people walked by and saw me in such a disgraceful position before some merciful one moved me?

I bury my face in my hands to smother my blush and flop back onto the spread of blankets. One strangely lumpy, hard pile beside me makes a small noise and after a quick glance I realize with much embarrassment and worry that the lumpy pile is none other than Kellen.

I scramble to my knees and quickly pull back the bedding to see what damage I've done and sigh with relief a minute later when his pained expression melts away into one of drowsy calm. He looks so peaceful that I can't help myself from reaching out to stroke his cheek affectionately and smiling when he leans ever-so-slightly into my touch.

I sit back down beside him and continue to run my fingers through his sweaty bangs and forehead and I can't seem to stop smiling.

It really is amazing that within a few months, my entire attitude towards Kellen has changed so much. When we both lived in the City, I taunted him cruelly for _years _because of his strange physique and apparent lack of talent in the art of High Magery. And now, barely two months after seeing him again after my banishment, here I am caressing his face, overjoyed that he's alive. The amount that a single person can evolve within so short a time is unbelievable. But I guess that I'm living proof that anything can happen. Who would have thought?

So caught up in my musings, I just barely register the rustling of the tent flap that signals someone entering, and I jerk my hand away from Kellen lest someone get the wrong idea.

...The wrong idea?

The healer from before's voice startles me out of that strange thought and I try to ignore her knowing smile that she turns to me while deliberately glancing to my hand. What in the world is she thinking?? Surely she doesn't think that I'm...I can't even think the word without a stain of a blush coming to my cheeks and nose. My face feels as if it was on fire as she turns her attention from me to Kellen, prodding him gently and checking his bandage covered wound.

I'm still flustered when she smiles at me again and says that Kellen will be fine with some more rest and...caring companionship.

Wrong idea indeed.

She leaves as quietly as she came and I'm left alone with my thoughts once more. Did she really just imply that Kellen and I are—

"Of course not!" I insist hotly to myself aloud. "She was just saying that Kellen needs someone to care for him for a while."

Even as I say it I'm calling myself a fool on the inside. So what if I care greatly for him now? It doesn't mean that I have to get up in arms every time someone makes mention of it. It's my own insecurities making me so jumpy. I'm sure that the stress from seeing Kellen so close to death, and the feeling of my own inability to help him, is driving me slowly insane.

The memory of how he looked makes me wince and my eyes move of their own accord back to his wounded side. I see that stark white bandages are wrapped around his chest once I lift the shirt he wears up a little, they are clean though and I wonder if perhaps a Wildmage healer cast a healing spell, maybe even the healer that was here earlier.

Seeing nothing out of the ordinary there, my gaze shifts back to his sleeping face and I get a bit of a start. It is no longer peaceful, a frown is upon his features, and his bloodless lips part, trying to form words, and I can hear a bare whisper from them. It's so faint that I can't make it out so I lean over a little with my ears straining as his whispers continue.

"_Don't, please. Cilarnen... Don't...please don't..._"

He's begging! I realize it with alarm.

I never thought Kellen would ever beg anyone, he's much too strong for that. And I don't mean his physical power, though that too probably helps. No, I mean his strength will, spirit, mind, whatever you wish to call it. He's been like an indomitable tower of determination since the first day I saw him after my banishment. Even when I was so determined to despise him, I had to admit that I admired him for the pure confidence and, for lack of a better word, _power_ that he radiated. I almost want to think that I heard wrong just now. Kellen can't beg! He just can't! It feels so _wrong_.

Praying to be proven wrong, my eyebrows furrow as I listen more intently to his fevered mantra.

"_Please... don't hurt him. Leave Cilarnen out of this you monster... **No! Please!**_" he screams his last and I jerk back, startled by his loud voice and deeply disturbed by his words.

"Blessed Light," I whisper in horror, my voice harsh sounding, "he's still fighting, even in his dreams."

His voice continues its increase in volume and desperation and I put my hands on each of his fever-hot cheeks and lean so my lips are almost touching his temple, all the while whispering assurances to him.

"Kellen, it's me, Cilarnen. I'm alright!"

"**_Leave him alone!_**"

"Kellen listen to"

"**_Please! Gods, please!_**"

"me! I'm fine! You've"

"**_Cilarnen! Please, please, PLEASE!_**"

"got to wake up! I'm okay!"

I'm shouting now and our combined voices have alerted the healer that is apparently looking after him and she rushes into the tent. She tries to pry me away from him but I stubbornly hold on, fire in my eyes despite the welling tears as I look at her through the messy curtain of hair over my face.

She concedes the fight and just wipes his face with a cold cloth that brushes my own. She pulls his coverings all the way down and tsks quietly before opening one of his eyes and after examining it, looks to me.

"We need to get him moved to dryer bedding and pull these wet clothes off," she says. "Can you deal with his clothing while I find some blankets in his truck?"

I nod numbly, but only when she's a safe distance away do I let him go and start tugging each button out. I glance back at her over my shoulder several times before I'm done with his shirt and have pulled his seemingly boneless arms out of them. When I'm done I throw the shirt a short distance away to where I've seen his dirty clothes kept before. Getting him out of his pants and underthings proves to be a much easier—though also much more uncomfortable—task.

A quick tug pulls the material of his pants over his cloth-covered hips and thighs but then I meet resistance as damp skin makes the cloth cling and it takes me a full minute to work each leg free. Then he's down to nothing but his loin wrap and I hesitate. I don't know why I'm suddenly so shy about seeing his naked body—most of my modesty at seeing and being naked has been done away with due to the close quarters of the army's other inhabitants. I've grown used to the sight of nakedness and usually only spare a tiny blush for times when my own body is bared before others. And I know that Kellen is even less shy than I.

So why am is my stomach so fluttery now?

I'm saved from both having to explore that thought any further now as well as having to strip him completely myself, by the healer's reappearance. She drops her bundle and I busy myself with dragging Kellen's body towards the new blankets that she is unrolling. She moves aside and allows me to pull Kellen onto the blankets, helping set his legs on them as well. The still-remaining loin wrap is regarded with a cocked eyebrow and I determinedly avoid her questioning eyes.

Once again I'm saved from an embarrassing moment, this time by Kellen groaning. Only then do I realize that he had stopped crying out sometime while I was undressing him. Both of our attentions are focused back on him again and she spares a few moments to untie the wrap and relieve him of it before she motions for me to come to her with a crooked finger.

"What?" I ask, a little flustered by Kellen's nudity.

She just shakes her head and explains quickly.

"He's losing body heat quickly. Come lay with him so he won't get even sicker. His condition is already bad, if he got worse..." she trails off with a grim look and a thrill of panic races over my spine, but still I hesitate.

"But I," I start, but don't finish my thought when I hear Kellen's shuddering breathing. I bite my lip but eventually nod minutely and crawl around so I'm beside him. I can feel the heat radiating from his body even through my clothes and I steel myself. I finally have something I can do for him and I _will_ do it.

I lay down next to him on my side and put an arm around his chest, The healer nods approvingly and flips the covers over us. She strokes his face one last time before sitting back on her haunches and speaking to me again.

"He should be okay for now. Just keep him warm and try talking to him. He seems to be having nightmares about you so try to keep him calm with your voice," she stands as she talks. "I have other patients to look after but I'll be back within the hour."

And then she's gone, the tent flap swaying a little behind her, and we're alone.

Kellen murmurs a little and I consider her advice, but I have no idea what to say so I just start by telling him that I'm okay and he doesn't have to worry.

"Kellen, don't worry about me; I'm just fine. I wasn't hurt at all. You have to try to get better Kellen. I need you to be here for me..."

I feel awkward talking to him while he's unconscious but he does seem to be taking comfort in my words. His murmuring has stopped and he's shifted his body into my own. Our noses are mere inches from touching and I continue my whispers.

"Kellen? Please wake up. I'm going insane with you like this. I need you to be...you. It doesn't feel right to see you like this. You need to be strong, if only for me," I admit with a slight hitch in my voice.

Tears are starting to gather once again in my eyes and my vision becomes watery. I hug him tighter and pull him so our foreheads rest against one another. I will his eyes to open so I can see for myself that he's alright.

But they don't and I let out a barely concealed sob as I bury my face in his neck.

"Please!" I gasp out, my voice unintentionally loud with emotion. "You've got to wake up Kellen. For me... I can't..."

I choke as my throat constricts and I have to swallow hard.

"I can't lose you! Don't you see you big idiot!?! I love you!"

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore but moments after the words leave my mouth I have a sense of **_rightness_** that I've only ever felt when I'm working with my magic.

By the Light...I love him.

When did this happen...? How?

I have no idea, but I'm suddenly sure that there was no particular moment. It's just been this budding feeling in the back of my heart and mind that has finally bloomed. I don't think there's any other way explain it.

I love Kellen.

An unexplainable warmth comes to me and I can't help a teary smile from flourishing. I pull back to see Kellen's sleeping face and after a considering moment, lean to touch our lips in a chaste...could you call it a kiss?

I've heard my sisters and their giggly friends talk about kisses before. They said that a kiss between true lovers would make every part of your body tingle and your heart would leap into your throat. Seeing as they always collapsed into giggles and fall all over each other after saying it though, I just assumed that they were making up romantic fantasies between themselves.

Now I know they were right.

His lips are unresponsive but soft and warm, and I begin to tremble after only a moment of our connection. My heart follows the script and immediately lodges itself into my throat and when I pull back, I'm wide-eyed and breathless. I fall limply back to the soft blankets and take deep breaths to fill my starving lungs. I stare at his still calm face and feel an overwhelming _euphoria. The urge to laugh until my stomach hurts is almost unbearable but I just lay there staring at him with a smile of wonderment on my lips._

_I love Kellen._

_The thought follows me into sleep and I'm no longer scared of how Kellen will fare._

_I know he'll be alright._

_Footnotes:_

_1-I don't know how many months Cilarnen was with Kellen after his banishment but I figured it was a while. Two months just fit into Kellen's deal with Shalkan in comparison with everything else that happened—to me anyways. So, two months it is._

_2-The lines after the little confession were actually my own thoughts, minus the magic reference. It just felt like the right time to have that one slip out._


	3. Chapter 3

_I awake to someone moving me around. They're obviously trying to be as gentle as they can in order to not wake me, but that is nearly impossible seeing how they must roll me onto my back and that move lands me on a cold spot on the bed. Groggily I swat at the hands and all movement from the other stops.'_

_Curious, and a bit annoyed now, I open my eyes a tiny sliver against the early morning light, only to open them wide when they drink in the figure of a very guilty looking Kellen._

_I jolt up in bed, wide-eyed and mouth agape and he looks, if it's possible, even more guilty._

_"Sorry," he mumbles, "I didn't mean to wake you, but uh... nature calls."_

_I continue staring at him, my breaths coming in shallow pants and he wilts under my gaze._

_"Er... Um, I'm just gonna go outside for a bit."_

_He waits for a response from me and when he only gets more blank staring he awkwardly looks away and struggles to stand._

___That_ gets a response.

_He's still naked as the day he was born and in light of my revelation last night, the view makes me more than a little flustered. I 'eep' loudly and hide my face behind my hands, but seconds later I'm taken by the absolutely overwhelming urge to peek._

_I look through my crisscrossed fingers and I can see his hands desperately trying to cover his groin area, but I've already had a glimpse at it last night and besides that, mortified by my reaction as he is, his fidgety hands do very little. Then he turns and I'm given a new view._

_His back is tight with muscle, my view only hindered by the bandages, and his shoulders swept gently in a oddly attractive way by his long hair. Two smooth globes of flesh, a tiny shade lighter than his tanned limbs, are taunt with constricted muscle and my heart jumps a bit. He sort of bounces from one foot to another before darting off to the side with a slight exclamation. A tiny smile reaches my mouth and he bends to swiftly snatch up a robe, green as everything else he owns. He pulls the robe tight about himself, unaware apparently of how the robe clings to his body in such a way as to 'reveal' it nearly as well as if he were still naked._

_With a nervous glance back at me, he leaves the tent and I allow my hands to fall and my smile to become a grin._

_So I was right and he's just fine._

_I fall back to the covers with a laugh and the day seems somehow brighter already._

_The war is over, Kellen is alive and apparently in good health, and I love him. What could possibly make this any better?_

_The smile slides off my face as the answer comes to me nearly immediately._

_Kellen loving me back._

_I bite my lip and that thought brings on a whole new swarm of questions, none of them very pleasant._

_What if Kellen doesn't want to love me? What if Kellen isn't interested in males period? What if he thinks I'm disgusting for feeling this way? Dear Light, what if he starts to __hate_ me when he finds out? I don't think I could live with that!

_My breath is coming in panicked gasps now and I can feel a cold sweat form on my brow. I don't realize that Kellen has reentered the room until he's crouched beside me, shaking my shoulder, telling me to 'snap out of it'._

_I react badly, lashing out and shoving him away with all my might. He isn't expecting my sudden violence and falls back from the blow to his chest, letting out a hiss of pain and clutching his side._

_I immediately feel horrible and sit up hurriedly, apologizing wildly and helping him off his back. He looks at me worriedly and whispers my name softly._

_"Cilarnen? What's wrong? You were so upset when I came in, I thought you were having some sort of attack," he says, hesitantly touching the hand that I left on his arm. I jerk it away as if burned, and he looks almost hurt._

_"Nothing," I say unconvincingly, "Nothing is wrong. I was just thinking is all." I stumble over my words and internally I wish I could smack myself in the face for sounding so nervous._

_He doesn't look convinced and continues to look into my eyes searchingly. In the end, he just frowns and nods and I can tell that he's just allowing me to keep my dignity for now, not giving up on the matter._

_I force a wide smile and stand up. His eyes follow mine up._

_"I'm gonna get out your hair now so you can get dressed. I'll see you later."_

_I wave in such a forced cheerily way that I want to puke and before he can get a word in edgewise, I'm gone._

_I run as fast as I can through the camp, only slowing down when I've reached my own tent in the centaur camp. I roughly shove the flap aside and the moment that I've entered and sat on one of my trunks in the corner, I let my tears out._

_Why did I have to realize that I love him __now_? The army will surely be disbanded now that the enemy has been destroyed and Kellen and I will almost certainly be forced to go our separate ways. And besides that, Kellen loves _Vestakia _and the only reason that he hasn't acted on it yet is because of his oath to Shalkan.

_Suddenly, the world seems somehow much more bleak._


	4. Chapter 4

You know, it always surprises me when I find a review waiting for me. And after nearly two weeks of not having the Internet and not being able to check my e-mail except on my phone, I was SO happy to find that people had reviewed so quickly. My thanks guys.

The first thing you'll notice is how much different Kellen's account of the goings on of the world is from Cilarnen's. Well, in explanation of that, I'd like to bring the fact that everyone's way they view the world varies because of life experiences. The same is true for vocabulary and sentence structure. You could look at identical twins that spend all their time together and you'd still have two very different individuals with differing ways of self-expression because each one takes different things from their experiences.

That said, the reason that I chose to make Cilarnen's views somber and conflicted is because Cilarnen _is_ somber and conflicted. He isn't like Kellen and able to take things as they come. As is shown by his affinity with the mechanical and routine ways of High Magic, Cilarnen likes to be able to think on things before acting. He likes to expressly understand everything around him. When things get out of control, his thoughts are thrown into chaos. As time goes in the army, with him having to make split-second decisions more and more, he's gotten better at the act before thinking routine, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't still prefer considering his options. In short (I know, I know, it's too late for that), Cilarnen's feelings for Kellen are something that he feels are spiraling out of control, but, at the same time, they just feel so incredibly right. The emotional roller coaster that they have placed him in is tearing him apart. He knows that Kellen has prior feelings for Vestakia and he's uncertain about Kellen's views on a subject that Cilarnen knows is a greatly frowned upon taboo in the city of their births (remember Cilarnen's dance teacher who was disliked by all his peers? Personally I thought he was possibly homosexual, or at least that's the vibe he gave off to me. The other Mages' reactions to him seemed to support that. It's Lord Nendimos from chapter four of "To Light a Candle" if anyone is curious. It's a few pages from the end, I think.).

As for Kellen, well he's always been a bit on the er... dim side. Is anyone else having flashbacks of his little misconception of Shalkan's reasons for disliking Idalia? Don't get me wrong, As a Knightmage, Kellen is a brilliant strategist and a genius when it comes to the art of war, but Kellen the teenage boy...dim seems to cover the issue pretty well.

I try to call out to Cilarnen but he is gone before a sound can escape my mouth.

I don't have a clue as to what set him off. He was fine when I woke up; peacefully dreaming, a tiny smile on his lips...lips that were a few centimeters from my own at best. I try not to blush as I think on how my lips unintentionally brushed his gently as I tried to pull his arm off my chest. He had moaned quietly and ruined my attempt to just pull back and try to brush it off as a dumb accident by leaning in forcefully and pushing his own lips to mine. I withdrew quickly, stunned by his actions but continued to try and brush it off.

Then he ruined **that** attempt by moaning my name.

At that point I know that I to probably wore the look akin to a fish that has just received the shock of its very short life when a bear grabs it and proceeds to **eat it**.

I had **no** idea that Cilarnen felt that way about me. I thought that he still felt a measure of general dislike towards me. Or at least that's the impression I always got from how he'd sometimes try so hard to avoid me. ...Though that may be able to be attributed to the fact that Wildmagic makes him twitchy...and now that I think about it, most of the times he avoids me are when I've just had a great deal of intimacy with a working of Wildmagic. ...Okay so that blows that theory to the abyss.

So does that mean that he's just been hiding his feelings? If so, I wonder for how long.

Either way, I know that my relationship with Cilarnen has just been complicated beyond my imagination. I now have no idea of how I should act around him. Should I confront him about it and potentially embarrass both of us, or should I just try to forget it and get on with life?

I'm leaning pretty strongly towards Forget-it-and-get-on-with-life but if there's one thing I've learned from my experiences with the elves, it's that no matter how much you try to ignore a problem, it will never go away on its own.

Their experiences with the Endarkened may be a bit of an extreme example but the basic principle is there.

And that leaves me with a single, sure-to-be-painful, option. Confront him.

Gods I don't want to do this! He's going to mutilate me before I can even finish.

And to top it all off, I'm not at all upset, disgusted, or otherwise disturbed by the fact that Cilarnen was moaning my name and kissing me.

In fact...I almost felt _giddy_ afterwards.

What does **that** mean??

I can't help the sigh that bursts out suddenly. I really don't want to deal with this now; couldn't I have gotten a few days of bliss after the battle before this all came up?

Consigning myself to the gallows, I walk towards my tent's exit, only to have the door swept aside by someone a moment before I can do it myself. Arlenti, one of the Wildmages from the Wild Lands as well as a skilled healer, puts her hand on my chest and gently pushes me back into the room before grabbing my wrist and pulling me back to the a small stool in the corner that I use when lacing my boots. She pushes me down so that I'm forced to either sit on the stool or annoy her by refusing. Well, seeing as I've learned that annoying a healer is never a good idea—in fact it's actually a very **bad** idea—I concede.

Arlenti's smile brightens and she situates herself on a small truck a few feet away. She has yet to speak and I look at her imploringly, waiting for her to take the hint. She does.

"Well Kellen, I checked up on you about half an hour before you woke up and your wounds have healed completely," she says cheerily.

"The bad news though," she continues, "is that I'm going to have to beat you senseless if I don't hear a very good explanation of why you ran Cilarnen out of here."

It is said in that same overly cheerful tone, with her smile just as wide as before, and I'm briefly unable to fully grasp what she said. But after an awkward moment, filled only with my blank stare and her continued smiling, I comprehend what she said and can't help but respond with a stupid sounding "Huh?"

Her smile drops and her eyes harden, and I'm suddenly reminded of the Demons shedding their deceptively beautiful skins to reveal their true selves.

"I think it would probably be best to get to the heart of the matter; Cilarnen Volpiril is in love with you, Kellen. Very much so."

Oh boy.

"What I want to know," she narrows her eyes and the vision changes from a demon to a snake—a very poisonous and _angry_ snake—"Is why you were so cruel as to scare him off."

By the end of her sentence she has leaned forward and her voice has reached the levels of downright evil—and by that I mean the type of evil that eats babies and giggles at people's pain as it dunks them under boiling acid... I don't think I need to elaborate more.

"Uh..." And there goes that stupid sound sound again. But in all honesty, I don't think I can conjure up anything more intelligent in response to the accusations she's laying at me. When exactly did I cruelly run Cilarnen out of my tent? By the Gods, he didn't even give me a minute to do _anything_ before he was running like a spooked rabbit from my tent! I wonder if everyone else thinks that I did something to hurt him, as well.

Arlenti clenches her jaw and looks about ready to throw some undoubtedly painful spell at me and I just blurt out the first thing that comes to my head.

"I didn't do anything to him!" I cry out frantically and then dodge back a split second later as the air sparks but then, just as suddenly, dies down.

"What do you mean you didn't do anything?" she asks, suspicious strongly coloring her voice.

I crack open one eye and spy her giving me a contemplative look, one of her eyebrows cocked up her face turned a little, as if trying to gage me from a different angle somehow. Seeing the opportunity to clear my name with her and avoid whatever nasty little cantrip she's got held in her keystone, I bring my arm down from where it was held in front of my face to protect it, and sit up fully.

"Well," I begin, "when I woke up he was in bed with me and he was laying really close to me and I accidentally..."—I can't believe I'm telling her this—"kissed him."

Arlenti just snorts and mutters something under her breath that sounds suspiciously like '"accidentally" yeah sure.'

I flush immediately and stutter through the next part.

"H-he kissed back—I mean he was still asleep then but he just sorta pushed back and wouldn't let me pull away, so that's what I mean by kissing back! It's not like he grabbed me or..." I trail off, sure that not only has she gotten the general idea, but I've also just made an idiot of myself.

She just nods and waves one of her hands in a 'and then?' motion.

"Er...he said my name and finally I just tried to roll him over because I had to pee and he woke up. At first he seemed really...happy, I guess you could say. He was smiling and watching me stumble around my tent naked. But once I got back," I halt my explanation, not really sure exactly what happened next.

It was almost like he'd done a complete emotional 180. He had looked so forlorn, as if his entire world had just crashed down upon him. What did that to him? Was it really me, somehow? Was it my fault that he looked so scared and so hurt?

A gentle hand on my knee startles me out of my thoughts and my gaze whips up away from its place on the floor to see Arlenti's sympathetic face. I hadn't even realized that I was drifting away in my thoughts.

"What happened when you got back?" she asks quietly.

"He looked heartbroken. And then he got up and just left," I say, staring off in the distance.

Yes, heartbroken. That's exactly what he was. But **why**?

Arlenti is quiet afterwards, apparently pondering what I've told her. Several minutes go by before she finally stands up and places a hand on my shoulder. I look up at her inquiringly and she cracks a tiny smile.

"I'm sorry I doubted you, Kellen. I should have known you wouldn't do something so cruel. I didn't wait for an explanation though, and I immediately suspected the worst. I'm sorry for that. It's just that when he came tearing out of here, with tears in his eyes and looking so panicked, I thought that you'd rejected hi—"

She stops suddenly, her face going white and her eyes wide in horror as she stares into my own. She swallows and takes a deep breath before tentatively asking me, "How exactly **do** you feel about him?"

The question catches me off guard and I can only blink a few times before offering an honest, "I'm not sure."

Arlenti bites her lip and nods minutely, then she turns away from me.

"Whatever you decide in the end, Kellen, please be kind to him," she says, and then she exits my tent, leaving me alone with probably one of the most difficult questions of my life.

What **_do_** I feel towards Cilarnen?


	5. Chapter 5

I run panting through the encampment. Or rather, through what's left of the encampment. The elves have once again proven just how efficiently they can complete a task when they're of a mind to be 'hasty'. Most of the tents have been throughly gutted—though there is no evidence as to where the 'guts' have gone to—and are in the process of being pulled down and neatly folded for the elves' coming journeys back home. In a matter of under an hour and a half, all of the tents will be packed away in mind-bogglingly small bundles that will be heaped on top of the sleds.

Fortunately, the sleds have proven that they are nearly as effective over mud and small plants as they are over snow. It would be absolutely hellish for all of the loads to have to be carried either by hand or on horseback—especially considering the amount of wounded that are also going to be set atop the loads. I'm not sure what they will do with the dead.

The elves usually suspend the bodies of their dead from trees, but what with the sudden onslaught of flowering vines that have utterly taken the bodies, I'm not sure if they'll be keeping true to that tradition. It would be a morbid business to pick through the field of flowers in order to find the bodies of their slain kin. In the end, I think that they still will though. The enemy is beaten and they have all the time in the world to slow down and collect their dead. I've even heard talk of forming parties to trek back through the army's path and find the ones who we couldn't find the time to take with us. We left behind dozens upon dozens in our various runs from the enemy. Now though, the elves are anxious to retrieve their lost kin and give them to their final resting place properly.

At the moment though, that is the last of my concerns. It's been a full two hours since Cilarnen fled from my tent and I received probably one of the most mortifying and confusing conversations of my life. Mortifying because I had to reveal some rather...intimate details and confusing because of the proclamation that came at the very beginning of our little talk.

"_Cilarnen Volpiril is in love with you, Kellen. Very much so."_

How does she even know? Did everyone in the damn camp know but me?

It seems that for a moment there, I had forgotten of the inevitabilities of living in an elven camp: gossip spreads like wildfire when the walls are only as thick as a heavy canvas. And surely the rumors of the two human boys fancying one another is quite the juicy gossip. Damn it. I miss being around less perceptive people.

It's not that they find the idea repulsive or anything, of that, I'm sure. I've seen my share of male pairings within the army these last few months, though they are discreet to the point that it took my unicorn knights betting on whether or not Nephiralen, one of the healers, would be able to enter the unicorn camp after Merchential, a rather flirty undercommander, had invited him to his tent. I had been under the impression that they were just good friends that had an odd way of communicating—Merchential never missed an opportunity to swat Nephiralen's behind if he wasn't paying attention and Nephiralen always threw a book or a tray at him on his way out. Both were always either smiling or laughing through these activities though so I thought nothing of them.

Thus, my knights' gambling didn't make sense to me in any way. Isinwen ended up nearly doing himself injury when I asked—indirectly of course—why Nephiralen wouldn't and some of the other knights shared an irritatingly knowing look before Isinwen got himself under control and explained that Merchential had been pursuing Nephiralen for nearly six years and this was the first time that Nephiralen had responded positively. I have never felt, before or since, quite so naive and sheltered. After that, I opened my eyes a bit and little quirks between two males or, occasionally, two women that I had never really understood started to make sense.

So no, a relationship between two people of the same sex wasn't all that exciting, but the fact that one may be developing between the resident Knightmage and High Mage...that would be something of great interest—and amusement, undoubtedly—for many of the elves.

And I'm left wondering why I couldn't have stayed unconscious for just a **little** longer.

...Though, truth be told, the fact that Cilarnen apparently has some sort of feelings for me—is in** love** with me if Arlenti were to be believed—doesn't bother me, strange as it is. Either way though, I've already all but promised myself to Vestakia. How can I possibly be entertaining thoughts of Cilarnen when it's been Vestakia that has been foremost in my mind for so long, almost ever since I met her. And yet, my feelings are divided. I do love her. I am sure of that, if nothing else, but I find myself warming to the idea of Cilarnen more and more with every passing thought.

Maybe I'm not sexually attracted to him as I am with Vestakia; I certainly don't feel the same thrills of pleasure at the sight of him. The thought of him nude doesn't make me ache. I imagine him as plain and utterly devoid of anything that could make him sensual. He has no enticing curves that while I was bound to Shalkan I had to try desperately to ignore.

He's...safe. Not only in that he never causes the 'impure' thoughts that would drive Shalkan away from me, but also because there is no temptation to be anything other than what I am. No feeling that I have to guard my thoughts or control unmannerly habits. Around him, I can just be myself. Perhaps that's what fuels this tiny fire of...preference in his favor. For so long, I've had to consider my every word carefully before it is spoken. Tiny changes in my mannerisms have had to occur by necessity. Even around Vestakia these strangling binds on my person have prevailed. Only Cilarnen provokes me from those habits. Of course, sometimes I do fall back into them purely because I've grown so used to them, even around him, but there isn't a single other person who makes me feel quite so free.

An age ago, it seems, Idalia told me that the reason she liked living alone was that she liked the freedom that it gave you. When with other people you had to change yourself, even if only by small amounts. I have never really minded those small adaptations and thus, never really understood completely what she meant. Now I think I do though. But while she had to retreat to absolute solitude to be able to have that comfortable niche in life, I have a person who not only would not impose upon my freedom, he would enrich it. Cilarnen just may be that ideal companion that could make my life so much more worth living. I'm not madly in love with him or intoxicated by the thought of him, but he makes me comfortable in my own skin. And I think that I could come to love him someday, or maybe in some degree, I already do.

But is it right? To be with him because he makes me feel better than anyone else? Isn't belittling his feelings for me to want him for that reason?

"You look about ready to tear your hair out. Do you want to talk?" a voice a few paces behind me says. I catches me off guard and I jerk around to see who it is in alarm. Apparently my Knightmage abilities suffer when I'm in emotional turmoil. Lovely.

Oh, and what an even more wonderful surprise: Vestakia. I seriously don't want to deal with all this right now. I need to figure out this mess before I can face anyone, Vestakia and Cilarnen included—hell, **especially** Vestakia and Cilarnen.

I shake my head and put my hands up in front of me, waving them negatively as well.

"No. Listen,Vestakia, I just need some time to think alone. Everything's a mess a the moment and—"

"Well I know that, silly!" she says with a giggle, coming forward and taking my hands in hers.

"That's why I came to find you. Shalkan says that he has to talk to you immediately. And Kellen?" she says, looking into my eyes with an almost sad smile, "don't worry about it, okay?"

"Don't worry about what?" I ask her, confused, but she's already shaking her head and pushing me a little back towards where most of the unicorns are gathered.

"Shalkan will explain," is all she will elaborate and I frown at that but nod my head anyways.

Silence prevails and I am reminded of my earlier musings. If it were Cilarnen beside me, I would be chatting away with him, either trying to pump him for information or just amusing myself with banter. I don't even want to do that with Vestakia though. Why?

"Here we are," Vestakia announces and I start slightly. Yes, I'd say that my Knightmage powers definitely are suffering because of this mess. I didn't even realize that we'd left the main encampment.

Shalkan is standing the new field of flowers with Calmeren, the two of them leaning comfortably against one another. Shalkan watches me somberly and I feel a flush of unexplainable shame. It's not like I've **done** anything improper and my thoughts haven't been **that** bad.

Finally the unicorn sighs deeply in a bone-tired way and comes forward to bump his head into my chest in a rough nuzzle.

"Sit down, Kellen. This won't be easy hearing," and he shoves a little harder till I am forced to fall back and land on my rump. Shalkan immediately bends his knees to kneel to my level as well and Vestakia turns about and walks back the way we came. Calmeren has disappeared in the few moments that I wasn't watching her.

"First of all, I suppose I should remind you that Wildmagic is a magic of necessity that, if you will allow it, can make you do some things that you would otherwise never have done. You must consent to this, of course, but whether that consent is consciously made or not doesn't always matter."

I nod at this, having come to understand this basic principle of of Wildmagery for some time now.

Shalkan sighs again and continues.

"What probably hasn't occurred to you though, is the fact that you have been under this sort of unconscious geas from the moment you met Vestakia."

"What?" I blurt out. A geas that I haven't been aware of? Something connected to Vestakia?

"Yes," Shalkan nods, "You may have noticed that your feelings towards Vestakia have suddenly transformed. Since, perhaps, you destroyed the Prince of the Endarkened?" The last isn't really a question, but it's posed that way to make me think.

And now that I truly consider the timing, it is uncanny that before the battle, my attentions to Vestakia were fraught with concern and great affection, but afterwards, until I started pondering my feelings for Cilarnen and what they meant for the ones I had for Vestakia, she hadn't crossed my mind once. And besides that, those thoughts held her in a less than positive light to boot! But what could that mean? I can imagine no sort of geas that would cause such a thing. Unless... But surely not!

Finally I look at Shalkan again, though I hesitate to put my thoughts into words.

"Are you saying that the Wildmagic... **forced** me to like Vestakia?" I ask with no small amount of horror. Allowing the Wildmagic to guide my way is one thing, but having it take my emotions are **warp** them so that I have no choice in the matter...that is a disturbing thought.

"No, no," Shalkan assures me, shaking his head, "It's not that it forced you or created those feelings out of thin air, it simply...encouraged them. Pushing you a little so that the attraction you felt would develop into something more...useful to the Wildmagic's purpose. Remember, Kellen, the Wildmagic has its own design and it isn't shy about manipulating things so that events that may have been uncertain would have to take place.

"For instance, if you hadn't felt that deep bond with Vestakia, would you have sought out the Prince so ardently? You, the only one among our side that could possibly defeat him. Or would you have perhaps allowed him to slip to the back of your mind during the battle? Perhaps, perhaps not. But by ensuring that you personally had a reason to despise him, the Wildmagic also ensured that you would subconsciously seek him out in the battle."

I sit, shocked to the core, through Shalkan's explanation and wonder how I missed it. How is it that I could have not sensed that something was not quite right? The 'love at first sight' feeling, the way my thoughts would linger on her in such a way that I would have to set my entire will to pushing those thoughts out of my mind, for fear of crossing the line with my vow to Shalkan.

It should have sent off a warning in my mind that things were not what they seemed. It should have, but it didn't. More manipulation by the Wildmagic? Or simply my own inexperience with love? Probably a mix of both.

My own inexperience would keep me from realizing it on my own, and the Wildmagic would keep me oblivious to the hints that certain individuals would throw my way. Like a once seemingly completely off the wall conversation that I had with Ciltesse.

"There is no such thing as love at first sight," he said, "There is immediate liking or dislike at first sight and occasionally there is infatuation—but never love. People are too complicated for such things to **truly** occur."

We had gone from talking of Vestakia to love and then Ciltesse said that. I had gotten so good at decoding their speech at that time so I'm sure that if I had been in my right mind, I would have caught on at least a little. Maybe I would have simply gotten angry that he would suggest such a thing and written it off as him looking too deeply into my relationship with Vestakia, but all the same, I should have seen it. But I didn't and that bothers me more than a little. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but if these last few months have taught me anything, it's that if you are unaware of even the most minute of your surroundings, you might end up dead very quickly. That survival instinct makes it extremely difficult for me to forgive myself for falling prey to the manipulations of the Wildmagic—even though it is the most bewildering feeling considering that I get that very instinct **from** the Wildmagic.

"Kellen."

I glance up at the white unicorn and he takes that as permission to continue.

"So you see, the Wildmagic tied you and Vestakia together. You don't necessarily have to love her. In fact, I think you'll realize that you don't—not as a lover anyways. For a time, you were her valiant knight that not only rescued her countless times, but you also helped give her the confidence to move on and be able to live without fear. Do you regret any of that?" The question catches me off guard and I am quite to sputter out an immediate and heartfelt "Of course not!" to which he nods and continues once again.

"I didn't think so. But Kellen, I want you to know that this also doesn't mean that you can't love her. It is up to you and your heart, in the end."

"But?" I say when I hear the word phantoming after his explanation.

He looks startled for a moment before chuckling and nodding.

"_But_, I believe that there is another for you. Someone who magic has also had a hand in bringing to you—though not pushing you together. In fact," he says teasingly, "I'd say that it kept you apart for a while."

With the memory of Arlenti's declaration still vivid in my mind, Shalkan's cryptic message is easy to unravel.

"You mean Cilarnen," I say simply, not allowing any of my emotions to show in either my voice or upon my face. Shalkan dips his head in a nod and my heart quickens at the confirmation.

"Yes, Cilarnen. Though I'm surprised that you've caught on so fast. Has something happened?" he asks curiously and not a full second later his nostrils flare in warning as my thoughts race back to the kiss.

"Kellen," he warns tightly and I blush hotly.

"I—! It's not— That is—"

"Kellen!" he snaps again, coming to his feet and backing away.

"But I... Oh nevermind!" I say as I get to my feet myself, "I'm going to go find somewhere peaceful to drown myself."

I try to retreat quickly but Shalkan seizes my tunic in his teeth and drags me back.

"Come back, you silly human. Just try to not think about the details, if you would please," Shalkan grumbles and backs up a few paces to give me room.

I am bright red by this time and am seriously wishing that he had just let me go.

"Now, back to the subject of Cilarnen. I take it from your reaction that something did happen—Kellen! Stop **thinking** about it like that!"

"Oh gods," I moan miserably and try to heed his advice—which of course just leads to me thinking more and more about the kiss.

"Kellen! Try to behave yourself. If you had acted like this while we were still bonded I would have been forced to relieve you of the **source** of the actions."

That finally breaks through to me and I find it immensely easier to clamp down on my rampaging thoughts. Shalkan immediately calms down a little and simply observes me with and arched brow. I resolutely turn my eyes to the ground and continue to keep a strangle hold on my wandering mind. There will be **no** repeats of that disaster!

"Hmph! I **won't** ask what happened but I do want to know what you think of him. Do you love him?"

I take a moment to mull over the question before answering in the same way that I did two hours ago with Arlenti. But at least with Shalkan I can maybe get my thoughts cleared up on some matters—hopefully.

"I'm really not sure. Or rather, I'm not sure that if I feel is something that has the right to be called love."

"Oh?"

I find myself nodding absently as I elaborate.

"I mean, I do like him—a lot. He makes me feel very at ease with myself. I enjoy his company. But then, I also liked being with Vestakia and we both agree that I'm not in love with her. And besides that, don't you think that it's selfish of me to want to be involved with Cilarnen if my feelings aren't as deep as his?"

Shalkan settles back down in the soft grass again and appears to ponder my question before looking back up and tossing his head in a gesture not unlike a shrug.

"Of course you like Vestakia. But there's a difference between liking someone's company and truly enjoying it. It's up to your heart to discover that difference though. Just try to think about the feelings and emotions associated with each of them and compare them. And try to remember that love doesn't have to be all about passion. In fact, if it is, then it very probably isn't actually love. Lust is a close cousin of love and many confuse the two."

That said, he frowns, or at least, I think it is a frown.

"And as for love, well, it is difficult to theorize on love because there are so many forms and ways of expressing it. Even the Demons could feel love, though their's was a twisted and loathsome form of it. But I'd say that all love is selfish in the beginning. Loving someone for **their** sake is something that you just don't do. It is only after caring for them deeply and allowing that feeling to grow that love becomes selfless enough to be called true love. Cilarnen has simply cared for you longer—though I doubt that he was originally aware of it."

I nod slowly, thinking over everything that he has said and trying to apply it to my situation. We are both silent for a few minutes, me thinking and Shalkan just watching me closely.

Then, shaking my head, I smile ruefully.

"This is so much more complicated than what I'd prefer."

Shalkan eases back off the ground and switches his tail in...amusement? Yes, definitely amusement.

"That's what you get for becoming involved in magic. Magic complicates everything it touches," he replies cheerfully and I smile at that.

"That it does. Thank you, Shalkan. You've given me a lot to consider. Now I just need to find a quite place to think about it for a good year or so."

He bows his head and then walks back to the rest of the unicorns as I turn about to make my way back to where Firareth is at. The walk lasts all of five minutes and once I reach where the horses are being kept my heart plummets and begins racing all at the same time.

Cilarnen, riding the galloping Anganil, is heading back towards the city gates.

"Cilarnen!" I call as loudly as I can.

He jerks and looks back at me in almost abject horror before he spurs Anganil even faster. He is long gone before I am even halfway in Firareth's saddle and a gentle hand on the small of my back makes me glance back for a second to see...Vestakia.

Oh no.

"Kellen, I just wanted you to know, that I understand completely. Shalkan already explained everything to me. Including about Cilarnen," she says hastily and then pauses for a moment as a smile spreads wide on her lips.

"Good luck. Now go! Don't let him get away!"

She doesn't have to say it twice. I am already hoisted completely into the saddle and she has to jump back quickly as I let Firareth loose.

The sudden, overwhelming need to not let him go has taken me with a strength that astounds me. I have to speak with him. I have to settle all of this between us now. There's no time for idle speculations on love. I have to catch him before he can lock himself and his emotions away. It's now or never.

_I feel like a limp noodle. Bleh. If I can never have to do something like that again I will be very thankful. Is anyone else very exhausted from all that mess of explanations? Sheesh. But, it was something that had to be done. I couldn't just leave Kellen's relationship with Vestakia hanging out in the wind to be a possible stumbling block for the Kellen/Cilarnen theme I've got going here. I was actually pretty proud of how much sense my explanation of his rather sudden obsession with her was. And as for why Kellen made such a fuss about possibly not loving Cilarnen and then he acts so frantic at the end, well, I was trying to put out the message that the mind can deny love, but the heart will always know the truth and you may just be forced to eat your words._

_I have become so sick and tired of fanfictions and novels having characters jumping the gun and automatically declaring their undying love after they've known each other for a chapter or two. This is my little rebellion. And the bit about all love is selfish at first, yup, that's me for ya. A pessimistic SOB to the day I die. I dare somebody prove me wrong. When does a relationship start that doesn't have something to do with the desire to fulfill your own needs and wants first? Time is the only thing that can turn those selfish desires into love. That's my story and I'm sticking to it._

_Well, it looks like I only have one more chapter and perhaps a small epilogue to go with this baby. Quite frankly, I can't wait! And I know you guys can't either so I'll try to wrap it up pretty quickly. See you next time!_


End file.
